Things that I'm scared of as well

When I was about 20 or 21 years old I was driving home from work around 12:45 am and this jerkface loser decided that he too wanted to be driving home, only he wanted to be driving home from drinking tons and instead of actually making it home he wanted to slam into me going the wrong way on a one way street. Luckily, I was in a lightweight pick up truck, and jerky mcjerkface was in a Jetta, so the (delightful sounding but not what you think) t-bone totaled the truck, and not me. It was my second car accident in 2 years, and I had only been driving for like 3 years at the time, so I was pretty rattled.

Also, I've never been a careful driver. I'm like not interested in paying attention to the road, obeying speed limits, or any other laws of the road for that matter. You see, I drive a 1998 Plymouth Breeze that bff neighbor has affectionatly coined "The Deathtrap". Why so you ask? Well, only 3 of my doors work, and of those 3, only one is fully functional. Thanks to said door situation, bff neighbor has had to come bust me out of my car because I couldn't get out. I only get AM radio reception and no one can explain why, the driver side door leaks in the rain, a mysterious stain has begun to appear on the back driver's side floorboard (obviously the tell-tale sign of someone having slowly bled out back there) my paseenger mirror has decided that it wants to make it out in the world on its own and has begun to cleave itself from the door; I duct taped it back, but I think it really does have its mind made up to leave as it is now even more hangy than it was before. The kicker is that up until last year the thing had no climate control, so when I went places, I needed to get there PDQ less I die from exposure; heat exhaustion and hypothermia were a constant and real threat for the past 4 years. All of this is what led to my complete unwillingness to put up with "laws" trying to tell how fast to drive, in what lane, which direction, ect., because I had to get where I had to get, and in a hurry if I didn't want to perish before I got there.

These two factors (the reckless driving of others and the reckless driving of myself), have led me to have a fear that I don't think is entirely unfounded:



I'm convinced that I will die in a horrible Micheal Bay inspired car crash and that I won't die in it immediatly, but will most likely have to suffer for sometime before blacking out to the vision of my jawbone sitting on my lap (that really happened btw. Some lady was in a car accident where her jaw got ripped off. She then did what eveyone reasonalble person would do if that happened to them, went on Oprah) . Here is another VERY accurate depiction of what I see in store for me EVERY time I get on the freeway. *warning, this one is gory*



And the scary part is that this DID happen here in Houston earlier this year. This woman was driving  when a load of pipes came undone from an 18 wheeler and crushed her car, it's not clear if this accident was due to her being a woman driver, but its still crazy. It sucks casuse as if I'm not crazy enough as it is, the universe needed to be like "Look! Do you see?! This crap does happen, and not only does it happen, it's going to happen to you...tomorrow...Sucker".  The universe is pretty mean sometimes. Sad face.

Some people may being saying, "Really? What are the odds of that happening?"  The odds of clones ruining my highway commute? Immenent. The odds of massive logs ruining my highway commute? Insanely probable, like as in I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet. Listen, car accidents happen all day everyday; people are stupid and cars are heavy so once you do the math, you see that we come out in the red. And hot, fiery, mangled death doesn't even take multiple cars any more! I mean  HELLO, Toyota's were killing their owners left and right just a few months ago. Who thinks when they get into their car that its going to kill them; unless you drive Christine or possibly Herby, I bet the thought has never crossed your mind, and yet it happens.

In the end, I have to drive to work everday so it's not like I have much of an option for preventing my death by Micheal Bay inspired car accident. And besides, the movies I've seen about public transportation don't make it look like a much better option anyway.

Things I'm scared of (things of which I'm scared if you are a grammar jerk)

I refuse to mention how long it's been since I updated so don't even go looking for it to happen.
I am a fearful person. I think about death and how I'm going to die pretty much constantly, I think it's in my Dino DNA. I can't help picturing all the horrendous things that could happen to me on a daily basis; I can't help but wonder if it's what's kept me alive for so long...So, I've decided to chronicle them here. Why not expose my pathos to daylight and let everyone on the interwebs know how kookoo crazy I am.
Here's the first in what I promise is a long, never-ending, slightly disturbing list of ways I'm convinced I'm gonna die:

 
 
 
 
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I'm convinced that a homeless person is going to push me in front of a bus while I wait at the crosswalk for the light to change. I know that this will happen because: a.There are buses downtown, b. There are homeless people downtown, and c. I walk downtown. If you've ever seen a homeless person, you might be thinking, "Oh, she's crazy, they aren't so bad", but that's because you've never seen a downtown homeless person. This is a different species of homeless person, a breed set apart to ruin lives and murder people via Houston Metro.

Lemme explain by pointing out a few examples. I've had a homeless person pee on the sidewalk in front of me while looking at. WHILE LOOKING AT ME. I've had a homeless person jump in front of me while walking to impede my further movement forward and I nearly slammed into him, which he thought was simply delightful. I've had a homeless person punch me in my arm on lightrail cause I was obviously some six headed monster out to eat his brains while we were traveling light speed through the intestines of the giant worm we were riding in (in which we were riding grammar jerk). You see, these ain't yo stand on the corner and beg for stuff with a sign kind of homeless people. These are "I have no idea what planet I'm on, but what I do know is that all these aliens around me must die cause this is kill or be killed up in this piece" kinda homeless.

Now that you are armed with a clearer vision of what I'm talking about, you can understand why it's inevitable that one will launch me into the street some day just as Metro is driving through a light. I actually don't think the guy to do it will be crazy. I imagine him to be real malicious and angry, and probably just curious. And here I am, standing there with my clean teeth and hair, and something about me strikes him as something he hates, maybe my silver ballet flats, and that's when he decides this girl must DIE. He will then non-chalantly walk up behind me, wait until the timing is juuust right, and shove me hard and fast in the back just in time to tumble me head first into an oncoming Metro bus. Satisfied with his handy work he will them shamble away, content with having ridden the world of those aweful silver shoes.

Why Glee isn't real

Okay, so first of all, I don't get this whole vampire thing. I just read that the most popular baby names for this year are from that Twilight thing. Dracula and Count Chocula I think...

So anywho, Glee, while a PHENOMENAL show, is not real. I was in Show Choir in high school and therefore I am the authority on what an extracurricular singing group is, and is not. Glee, is not.

This is a Glee Club

This is NOT a Glee Club

© 2010 Fox Broadcasting Company

This is a choral director

This is NOT a choral director

© 2010 Fox Broadcasting Company

Okay though for real, high school students that didn't go to a performing arts high school, can not sing while doing backflips. Not possible. My choir couldn't even do a kick ball change while singing, we had to cut out that part of the coreography and just walk back and forth becuase our voice production and projection was so bad.

Also, there were NO attractive people. Seriously, all of us were ugly, all of us. There were no attractive outfits/costumes. We wore a $10 polo with our high schools initials on it, along with whatever kind of pant we had that could be passed as a "jean".

Kinda like this.

















Nothing like this.

And besides, all of the girls would have complained about how their skin tone/hair/personality/religion doesn't mesh well with gold/black/knee length/tulle. Why do you think choir dresses tend to be black and drapey? Equally unflattering on everyone that wears it.



© 2010 Fox Broadcasting Company



Another thing is, there is no way that my school would let Pregnant 16 yr old dance around on a stage in high heels. I don't even think Pregnant 16 yr old was allowed to go to school with regular, non ku kids. She would have to go to specail KU school were they learned about bottles or birth or placentas. Then after summer break she would show back up at regular kids school where everyone would whisper behind her back to the kids that didn't know about her body having a dual occupancy the year before.

And that ubiquitous band! Those kids hold a perpetual jam session that never seems to have trouble keeping up with the new hotness in music, but are also well steeped in the standards that we all know and love, from "Bust a Move" to "Rock and Roll All Night". I seriously need to hire these guys for my wedding.

Finally, and I know we all saw this coming, I have an issue with overly flamboyant out gay kid. There was NO gay kid at my school that was that out. There is no gay kid at ANY high school that is that out. Probably not even at the Gay High School for becoming Gay and being Gay All Over the Place. This kid cries every chance he gets, and enjoys wearing the most thrilling wordrobe since Bubble on AbFab.

There were gay kids at my school, we all knew who they were, they all knew who they were, but we all had the good taste to never discuss it. *hello, toungue in cheek..don't forget the sarcasm!* Then, the day after high school graduation freinds would call friends and say "Oh, I saw Boy with a boy at the mall holding hands!" And everyone would be like, oh, we thought so... I went to the FBLA banquet with one of my most favoritest friends in high school ( who was and is a gay guy), and if he would have showed up in some crazy contraption of an outfit, we both would have been in it deep. I mean seriously, there was a girl at my school who was told that if she showed up to prom in a suit with her girlfriend, she would be hauled off the premises. Nope, high school is definatly NOT about self expression. High school is about finding out who you are, and then learning very quckly how to hide and pretend you're just like everyone else.

We sang to peers who could give a crap less, we sang to old folks at homes and at banks and at malls. I want the episode where these 30 yr olds are subjected to the same things that we did in those days. I want to see them ride in a school bus and arrive at locations smelling of gasoline. I want them to take trips where everyone claims that so and so slept with so and so but everyone knows it's not true. I want them to pay a crap ton of money to go to a competition just to get there and see that everyone is like 6 yrs old and they'd obviosly been mistaken about what they read in the brochure. I want the awkward, AWKWARD hookups that we were forced to witness between pimple face loser and over weight loser this week, and over weight loser and looks like dead fish loser the next.

I guess that would be a reality show though...At any rate, I love Glee, I love watching it, and I will continue to  (if not just to point out the travesties that they are committing).

How not to be jealous?

How do you get to be truely happy for someone?
"WHAT, you got a promotion and now make WAY more than I do, but you don't even have a degree? Wow, congrats!"  I say that, but on the inside I think "You're a whore, you slept with any and everyone available to get this promotion, and you just wait cause in 5 years my income will  have doubled and I will be the one with the brand new car and then you'll see, and then YOU"LL ALL SEE!!!!"...while this is going on I'm sure I'm standing there with a huge smile on my face, maybe with a little drool slowly winding down the side of it.

And how is it that no matter what you do in life, and no matter how good you are at it, there is someone is better. BETTER!! And when this jerkfaceloser shows up, why is it that you have to not only be happy for them, but even like somehow appreaciate them handing you your entrails on a platter. "Well, at least  I can say I got beat by the best!". BLUH. Would we be forced to be so gracious if everything was to the death? "At the end of the interview process for the file room position, only one of you shall still be alive". What then?

I have a serious problem being happy for people. Mostly cause I hate them, but also because I want what they have, and can't have it. There are somethings that I actually do hate, but don't want, like to go to bed at 10 everynight cause my husband and I are boring. Or a new car (because I abhor car notes). But there are other things that I grow green over like houses not in the suburbs and not having to pay student loans. My life ain't so bad, but compared to yours, IT SUCKS. I tend to have that attitude sometimes when it comes to comparing myself to other people. And it's sad, I know.

Why I'm scared of ghosts

Becaue they are dead people, and dead people are NOT cool. Dead people have a place...well, two very seperate and not equal places, but a place nonetheless. So when dead people chose to not go to thier perspective places, it means that they are breaking the rules. Rule breakers in general are NOT cool.
Ghosts can't/wont hold a job which makes them unemployed. Unemployed people are NOT cool.
Ghosts don't pay rent in the places in which they live. That makes them free loaders and free loaders are NOT cool.
Ghosts don't wear appropriate clothing. It's like they don't see that fashion is progressing and cling to that old turn of the century crap that they died in. Not keeping up with fashion is NOT cool. *side note: has anyone ever seen a naked ghost?*

I personally think that ghosts are aweful. They tear up peoples things, drive down property values, and make people run around with night vision camaras on tv which makes me hate my life.

I've never seen a ghost myself, but I grew up hearing about those little ghost kids in San Antonio that move your car across the tracks. My mom said that she and her friends would go after school to make those poor little kids push their car. If you're not familiar with the story, here we go:

There was this school bus of elementary school children headed home one day. The bus suddenly experienced a break down, right on some railroad tracks. The next thing they new, a train was barrelling down at the bus, and with no time to get the children out, the bus was hit, killing them.

It is said that if you visit the sight of the tragedy, there is an amazing expirence waiting for you. Simply pull up to the tracks, cut your car off and place it in neutral with your foot off the break. At that moment, your car will begin to travel uphill over the tracks on it own. It is said that if you sprinkle your car with talcum, you will be able to see tiny hand prints along your back bumper from the efforts of the children pushing you off the tracks.

While some people think this is just a legend there are some facts that point to it being true. For example, all of the street signs leading up to the location are childrens names..well, at least peoples names, I guess your name doesnt change as you age...Also there is SO much evidence gathered on this location including EVP, pictures, and other unexplained phenomenom (such as blood found on car bumbers! jerk ghost kids really know how to get you). Still dont believe me? Check this out:

What do you think?

My current obsession

So I've been watching Kirstie Alley's show on A&E, and have fallen in love! She is seriously the bestest and, thanks to her previous cockaine addiction, I know that she is definatly stalk worthy (please note my undying love for Britney and Amy).

Kirstie is hilarious. Period. Her kids are adorable,especially her daughter. She has this handyman guy and a sassy maid, and a stylist and PA all along for the ride. And you know what? I persnonally believe her to be ravoshing, no matter what size she's at. Forget the body, no amount of fat could take away from that face, hair, and those haunting eyes. I love everything about this lady, including that her theme song is sung by a cartoon monkey!

Well, with that I am off to go watch a couple of episodes now!

Going to see David Sedaris on Wed.

Quick side note: You will never see me write out the word Wed., because I don't know how to spell it, just FYI.

So BFF Elaine and I are off to the theater (said in a slight english accent while dragging out the "tuh" a little too long),to see one of my favorite authors. If you've never heard of David, you're in for a real treat should you decide to pick up one of his books. One of my favorite stories of his is titled "Dinah the Christmas Whore". You can see the amount of hilarity waiting to ooze forth from such a prominent title.

I'm an avid This American Life listener, which is where I first encountered this master of pen and page. His voice sounds nothing like how he looks, so I hope seeing him live will make it all come together.

He writes about his family in a fictional autobiographical way. You can't tell what's real and whats not, which I think makes for a terribly interesting read. Some of his stories deal with growing up gay in Carolina, dealing with college as a young man, his crazy sister (whom is a writer as well) and various other encounters in the world from his point of view.

 It's going to be at Jones Hall so I plan on walking there from work, or at least from my already payed for parkng lot. I'm not so sure where Elaine is meeting me, but I know we will have an AWESOME time!