Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Crazy bird, crazy lady

This afternoon I saw this bird in the bayou. I didn't find it terribly interesting... until I saw its freakishly colored feet.















Also, when I got to my car to get my tripod at lunch, this is what awaited me















She was sitting in her car smoking when I came down to go home. Real nice, lady.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Viola James Fairfax

What a weekend. My precious grandmother went home on Thursday last week, I cried, a little. It hadn't sunk in, it still hasn't, how can it? Knowing you wont see someone again until you die, (which hopefully for me means not for a long LONG time), probably takes some getting used to. I don’t think this is an immediate transition that can be grappled with and put to rest in a few easy days. I'm dejected. I came from her, I am her, she is me, and therefore part of me is gone. Where I got these eyebrows, this nose, this inexplicable need to laugh at what appears to be nothing, this deep faith in a Heavenly Father, and this thirst for life’s little nuances that I always feel elude me. All back to the universe. *deep sigh*. I loved her, I slept in the same bed with her, waking her up all hours with uncontrolled legs and elbows protruding in to her space, I spent countless hours communing with her.
It's such a blessing to know that I will see her again, such a heroes welcome I know she had and will want to share with me when I get there. Grief is this choking sensation, a feeling that something just settled into your throat so you can’t breathe, and something just gripped your chest so you're heart wont beat properly. I think this is what being attacked by an octopus from the inside would feel like... less inky, but same general feeling. I feel the guilt of not spending enough time, throwing away and not appreciating my past, MY past. In the end, her past caught up with her, so many loved ones, so much heartfelt warmness surrounded her, and it glowed from within her. We all radiated on each other. If the end of my life could be anything akin to this, I will know that I have not only made it, but done it right.
She spent her childhood in Louisiana picking cotton. LOTS OF COTTON. That's what everybody on my dad’s side of the family did up until my dad, the oldest of three, was born. He was the first of the new generation, and the first born here in Houston. There were better opportunities for my grandparents, and therefore my dad. She would tell me about how they would do nothing all day but pick. It was hard work, and it built a sturdy woman. As she lay in her bed, I looked down at her, and my gaze stopped at her belly. I pondered how the life that came from that belly, after many years, and with no consideration on her part, led to my life. It's so weird to watch friends now getting pregnant and having babies, when I think about how it's all so circular. Each generation discovers it, and takes it as their own, not thinking on all those before them that did the exact same thing.
My grandmother ran away with my grandfather. She said he was leaving, her dad forbade her to, but she packed up and left anyway. GUTSY, I know! lol. My grandpa eventually sent a letter of apology and explanation to my greatgrandad, but I don't think it ever smoothed things over for them. How hilarious it is to ponder on how that young woman in love hopped on a train to Houston, leaving behind literally the entire family and life she knew, just to be with my grandpa! I laugh so hard about this, and realize there is truly nothing new under the sun, expect for the lives people bring into it. It's like an old play that just keeps replacing its cast members, new people, same shenanigans.lol.
She said over and over again how thankful she was, her foot went gangrenous, she was thankful; her leg got amputated; she was thankful; she got diagnosed with stage 4 intestinal cancer; she still praised; she lost her colon and was on a feeding tube for nearly a year; she lifted her hands for every new breath she drew, all the way until she didn't have breath anymore. What a remarkable woman!
Life goes on, people go on, the world goes on, somewhere in the universe a star is dying and we won’t know until hundreds of years from now, nothing has or will change... Except for on this small little isolated island that I occupy, my small insignificant corner of this universe. Here, it will never be the same.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Forget about that

I'm over the whole life is moving to fast junk. I have had a major epiphany. MAJOR. I think too much in terms of the future, and not enough in the present. It's like I'm waiting on some point in my life, where I can be happy and comfortable and feel accomplished, but that point never seems to come. God spoke to me at church last Sunday about this. I had this epiphany about day to day life on Wed, and had been mulling over the in's and out's of it all week. On Sunday the pastor was like "And when will you reach what you want? When you were a child it was all about high school, in high school it was about waiting until you were in college. College had you thinking about grad school, or your first job. Then marraige, then children, when will you have what you want?"
It really makes sense to me. I spend so much time looking to the future, I'm missing my life. It is literally like running a race I'm bound to lose becuase by the time I catch up, it'll be over. It sounds cliché, but you really aren't promised another day. Damon told me about this guy that took his daughter out to teach her to ride a scooter, fell off of it, hit his head, and died. Game over bro. You don't have to be a police officer, firefighter, or soldier to understand the reality of leaving home for work, and not knowing if you'll come back home. I have a supreme sense of this idea, that at any second there could be a car accident, explostion, tornado, flood, elephant on the lose, or any other varied act of God that will call me home. It sucks for most people because it takes a near death experience, or someone close to them dying, for them to figure it out.
So, I decided that I will not live my life in a future that is not guaranteed to me. Am I going to stop planning, hoping, and dreaming? Heck NO! But,I can't let the faceless stranger of tomorrow have more power than the familiar loving countenance of today. If I spend each day really present, really plugged in, and laser focused on what's happening NOW, how different can life be? No more putting off things till tomorrow if I can do them today, and conversly, no more worring about what needs to be done tomorrow, because I have bettter things to focus on immediatly. No more feeling pressure about inadquicies that I hope to change over a broad length of time (weight), if all I need to worry about losing is a pound or a half a pound, how much less overwhelming is that compared to the 20 total? Talk about making an elephant bite sized.
I have really tried hard to mull on this for awhile, and remind myself daily the importance of this epiphany. I love my husband, my job, my dog, my friends, my empty womb...and while these relationships and interactions may change, I'm not intereseted in the when anymore, just okay with riding the ebb and flow that is day to day life here on earth.