Forget about that

I'm over the whole life is moving to fast junk. I have had a major epiphany. MAJOR. I think too much in terms of the future, and not enough in the present. It's like I'm waiting on some point in my life, where I can be happy and comfortable and feel accomplished, but that point never seems to come. God spoke to me at church last Sunday about this. I had this epiphany about day to day life on Wed, and had been mulling over the in's and out's of it all week. On Sunday the pastor was like "And when will you reach what you want? When you were a child it was all about high school, in high school it was about waiting until you were in college. College had you thinking about grad school, or your first job. Then marraige, then children, when will you have what you want?"
It really makes sense to me. I spend so much time looking to the future, I'm missing my life. It is literally like running a race I'm bound to lose becuase by the time I catch up, it'll be over. It sounds cliché, but you really aren't promised another day. Damon told me about this guy that took his daughter out to teach her to ride a scooter, fell off of it, hit his head, and died. Game over bro. You don't have to be a police officer, firefighter, or soldier to understand the reality of leaving home for work, and not knowing if you'll come back home. I have a supreme sense of this idea, that at any second there could be a car accident, explostion, tornado, flood, elephant on the lose, or any other varied act of God that will call me home. It sucks for most people because it takes a near death experience, or someone close to them dying, for them to figure it out.
So, I decided that I will not live my life in a future that is not guaranteed to me. Am I going to stop planning, hoping, and dreaming? Heck NO! But,I can't let the faceless stranger of tomorrow have more power than the familiar loving countenance of today. If I spend each day really present, really plugged in, and laser focused on what's happening NOW, how different can life be? No more putting off things till tomorrow if I can do them today, and conversly, no more worring about what needs to be done tomorrow, because I have bettter things to focus on immediatly. No more feeling pressure about inadquicies that I hope to change over a broad length of time (weight), if all I need to worry about losing is a pound or a half a pound, how much less overwhelming is that compared to the 20 total? Talk about making an elephant bite sized.
I have really tried hard to mull on this for awhile, and remind myself daily the importance of this epiphany. I love my husband, my job, my dog, my friends, my empty womb...and while these relationships and interactions may change, I'm not intereseted in the when anymore, just okay with riding the ebb and flow that is day to day life here on earth.

Stop this train/ New year, new me!

I've had it stuck in my head now for days! More on that later. SO I've undertaken two new endeavors. I've decided to stop processing my hair and I've decided to join the 365 project. I think the first is pretty self explanatory; I will no longer straighten my hair with chemicals. I've decided to see what my real hair looks like. Very scary stuff considering I haven't seen it since I was 8yrs old and I have definitely never had to STYLE it before! My coworker that sits across from me said it was a terrible idea to grow it "ethnic", (to which I retorted "NATURAL", not ethnic"), because I work in corporate America, and looking too "natural" can prevent me from fitting in the way I'm supposed to. Scary. I don’t think that having to adhere completely to what they think I should be should rule my entire life! Face it, putting lye in my hair (see Fight Club to understand the dangers of such a chemical) once a month to have a straight hair style just because I'm told to, is ridiculous. Also, these people aren't paying me the extra $120 a month to get this done, maybe if I got a stipend.... So, that's what's going on with my hair. Imagine being a 26yr old woman with no idea how to comb her hair, and that's me right now. Sad, I know, but exciting none the less. It might be a quarter life crisis, but I reeeeeealy think it's about time I started figuring out who I am in my eyes, and not just in the eyes of others. I tried looking less in the mirror and more in my eyelids, but that yielded surprisingly few answers ....

So, about 365 project, basically, I have to take a picture of myself everyday for a year. It's surprisingly easy! I'm a narcissist so...lol. I think this will be a lot of fun. My first day was my birthday; I would like to see what 26 had to offer when I look back on it at 27. Also, it's a great way to gain photography skills. Nothing like being forced to take pictures EVERYDAY to really refine your talent! I've looked at other peoples projects on flickr, and have been very inspired. So yeah, really pumped!

I guess I'll discuss stopping this train in the next update, I'm way too long winded for this not to turn into a novel.

Shananaaaa

I've got growing pains. At least I hope it's growth. It seems so overwhelming sometimes, trying to be a better person. I dont mean to society, I meant to me! How do I maintain the lifestyle that I am oh so very envious of. I know God don't like envy, but sometimes, it can be hard to look at someone who seems to have it all together, and not want that for yourself. I think that personal growth is something super important, but how do you know yourself enough to know how to grow? How do I make sure my life isn't just one of imitation. How do I ensure that I am being me, and not just a whole bunch of other people crumily pieced together. You can't try to be like other people, God made us all unique for a reason. Try to be something you're not and you will fail everytime. But I don't want to feel like this is who I am sometimes. Sometimes I want to feel like I am capable of the amazing feats I see my friends perform, and with a little practice, I will be able to obtain that little bit of "growth" that I want.

I don't know, I'm just very meloncholy today after an aweful day at work yesterday. I will need to find my own peace, like I always do, but I wish the growth would come as fast as my acceptance of it not.

Swine Flu,Floods, Work, and other reasons never to leave the house

So I found out that WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE. Well, I knew we were all going to die, just not so soon. Here's a part of the memo Discover released:

"Following is a list of common sense reminders to help keep you, your family and your colleagues healthy:
Keep your hands clean by washing them thoroughly with soap and water or using an alcohol-based hand sanitizer.
Use a tissue when you cough or sneeze.
Try to avoid close contact with sick people. Try not to touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus.
Keep cuts and scrapes clean and covered with a bandage.
Avoid sharing personal items.
Always follow your doctor's orders."

Hmmm, I think I might just follow some of this advice, especially not touching any surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus. First on my no touchy list would have to be the fax, followed by the copier, and then the door I use to get into the office. Anyhow, I hope that the WHO doesn't uprade this outbreak from a 3 to a five. Five being a PANDEMIC!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH If you need me, I will be looting cause I dont want to spend my own money building a stock pile. However, I guess since no one has panicked just yet, it would still be stealing since I'd be the only one looting, which makes it not looting..right? You need a mob for that I think.

Then there was this aweful flooding yesterday and today. My poor neighborhood has had the water come and go twice in one day! Damon brought me to work today, which is good as I dont know about the capabilities of the 1998 Plymouth Breeze to withstand flood waters. Also the son of a beesting would cut on this morning. I need a new battery. I make a habit of not watching the news as all it really reports is the obituaries. I dont need to see how crappy someone else's life is to make me feel better about my own. Don't get me wrong, no matter how bad life is, my husband didn't get gunned down, or my house didn't catch on fire with my baby in it, but I don't need to hear about how that happened to someone else to remind me of that. All that to say, that I haven't been abreast of the flu situation, and I cut on the news for about 5 minutes this morning to make sure the flooding wasn't local so I could call in late. I think I might try to find out somemore about my impending doom today, wish me luck!

I've made a huge mistake

All Arrested Development fans know that one. You ever decide something is one way just to discover that you were completly wrong. Like very, very, very wrong?. My problem is I discovered that, but don't know what to do about it now. It's like that "oh crap" moment you have after you jump off something that was a little higher than you thought. You're already in the air, you didn't realize the severity of the situation till you got there, but there's no way out now. It's too late. And that's how I feel, I've made the realization, but what the crap can I do about it now?
I think the same senario continues to apply. All I can do now is hit the ground, yeah, it'll hurt, but only temporarily. I can get up, dust off, and try again, well, not try again, try not to again... Why does personal growth have to be so awefully painful. Why cant it happen naturally like learning to walk. No one tells a baby that their walking wrong, they know how to do it when the time is right. Oh, to be that lucky. To just magically know not only when the time is right, but what needs to be done at that moment. *sigh*

God save the baby seal!

So today is Earth Day, or whatever. Nobody gives out cards or anything so I don't know if it's a real celebration or not. At any rate, it got me thinking on my newest cause: Healthy eating! I've never been an unhealthy eater really. We didn't eat out much when I was growing up, meals were cooked at home, and we didnt really snack. Well, I didnt really snack, my little brother at the age of 9 could eat an ENTIRE package of Oreos in 2 hours. HA. Anyhow, it's not so much about what we're eating, but where what we're eating came from. Now all of a sudden I need organic, GMO free, unrefined, unprocessed, as close to the earth food as possible. I'm friggin looking for farmers markets to get local produce, and trying to figure out how to make a dollar out of 15 cents to stay within my budget. PHEW. I am pretty much sold out to the idea, I like the thought of chemical free, natural food going into my body, don't get me wrong, I enjoy an unnatrually large 24oz steak, but maybe not so much the genetically modified vegatables that come with it. I mean come on, what can a little bovine growth hormone really do?



Anyway, so I watched this documentary called the Future of Food, where I had my little world rocked, and has led me to really need to do some research on the topic (one day) to satisfy my new found curiosity. So according to these tree hugging hippies that made the doc, one major arguement for genetically modified grains and other plants was that we could increase their yeild, and use it to help feed starving nations. The hole they blew in that theory was that there is plenty of food produced here, that's why there are STILL government subsidies on various crops. With the price of the final product not being high enough to cover the farmers "cost", any econmics person could tell you that means there has to be a surplus. The high supply coupled with low demand means a low price, which the government then compensates for with the subsidy. WHAT!? So while they are overproducing and still getting paid for plants that are rotting in the fields, people get to go to bed hungry around the world. NICE.
It really makes you think what this whole genetic engineering crap is really about. I think from now on, I'll try to stay away from it. For now however, I'm off to go contribute to global warming by any means necessary. Happy Earth Day!!! (if you dont celebrate, I promise the earth wont know).

Babies, Babies everywhere and not a drop to drink

Everyone is pregnant. I bet if you're a girl and you're reading this, you're pregnant, your friend's pregnant, or you have a picture of an ultrasound somewhere amongst your friends profile pics on Facebook or Myspace. I know that this Friday, there will be two babies born from two friends of mine that don't know each other. Then there's the 5 to 8 that are all due between June and August. Not to mention my sister in law that is due in October, and another friend that is expecting in December.
Did I miss something? My coworker upon hearing this news replied "Did you all make a pact or something?". Well not me. Maybe everyone else? I'm not sure what to think about this whole baby deal,except that I dont want one. Not now. I think sometimes I'm shallow, I like drunken debauchery, I like parties, I like shopping, I LOVE sleeping, all these things I care about more than that unfertilized egg waiting on me to make a move. I like getting up and going, and while my husband doesnt have a spontaneous bone in his body, I do get to sometimes just take off to wherever. The one gray cloud that hangs over these type of get up and go trips: My dog. Who do I get to watch the dog? Oh wait, I can just give someone the key and have them stop by, and my neighbors are awesome and would look after her too. But my baby? That thing has to go somewhere right? Like I can't keep it at home by itself and have someone drop in I dont think...
I think this sounds pretty shallow. Why do I want to go out on Fridays and get wasted, go out on Saturdays and eat at expensive (or at least a) resteraunts followed by cocktails and possibly beer pong (get wasted?), and go to family night on Sunday as a form of recovery? I'm old enough to want more substancial things I figure. But I dont. I'm far more interested in purchasing things I want than thing I have to get. Most baby stuff is a true neccessity, but I'd rather get myself some shoes, or a necklace, maybe a handbag, or ooh, those cute jeans I saw..anyway, that's how I want to spend my money.
And don't get me started on the $64,000 and growing (thank you capitalized interest) that I owe in student loans that got me to this little desk job I have now. Already had one promotion, that was more lateral than anything right now, and am looking foward to at least one more before I leave here. Maternity leave right now seems like I can kiss any advancement good bye. Am I wrong for wanting more time to further my career?
So do I look like the 35 year old that can't get pregnant because she didn't make it a priority and now spends tons on fertility treatments and has had 5 miscarriages and is beginning to give up hope and looks at her closet full of fabulous clothes,nice car in the driveway of her expensive home and thinks to herself "I'd throw away all this for just the chance of having a baby"? I certainly hope not! I think there's a balance. I think that while now might not be the time, I don't plan on waiting till kingdom come. I dont find shoes, alcohol or dinner more important than my eggs, just more urgent? lol. I'm not sure when I plan on having a little one, I know that I'll never be financially ready, but luckily babies don't care how rich you are. I know that I might not be emotionally ready when it happens, but luckily babies heal all apprehensions due to their forgiving nature. I know for a fact I wont know all the answers, but luckily babies don't either so their easy to lie to. I sit here contemplating a little one, and it puts a smile on my face. Such beauty, such peace, and warmth. That's the way I feel when I think about it, like that something that I needed and was missing is finally here. Now if only I could be ready for it to be here.