Crazy bird, crazy lady

This afternoon I saw this bird in the bayou. I didn't find it terribly interesting... until I saw its freakishly colored feet.















Also, when I got to my car to get my tripod at lunch, this is what awaited me















She was sitting in her car smoking when I came down to go home. Real nice, lady.

Viola James Fairfax

What a weekend. My precious grandmother went home on Thursday last week, I cried, a little. It hadn't sunk in, it still hasn't, how can it? Knowing you wont see someone again until you die, (which hopefully for me means not for a long LONG time), probably takes some getting used to. I don’t think this is an immediate transition that can be grappled with and put to rest in a few easy days. I'm dejected. I came from her, I am her, she is me, and therefore part of me is gone. Where I got these eyebrows, this nose, this inexplicable need to laugh at what appears to be nothing, this deep faith in a Heavenly Father, and this thirst for life’s little nuances that I always feel elude me. All back to the universe. *deep sigh*. I loved her, I slept in the same bed with her, waking her up all hours with uncontrolled legs and elbows protruding in to her space, I spent countless hours communing with her.
It's such a blessing to know that I will see her again, such a heroes welcome I know she had and will want to share with me when I get there. Grief is this choking sensation, a feeling that something just settled into your throat so you can’t breathe, and something just gripped your chest so you're heart wont beat properly. I think this is what being attacked by an octopus from the inside would feel like... less inky, but same general feeling. I feel the guilt of not spending enough time, throwing away and not appreciating my past, MY past. In the end, her past caught up with her, so many loved ones, so much heartfelt warmness surrounded her, and it glowed from within her. We all radiated on each other. If the end of my life could be anything akin to this, I will know that I have not only made it, but done it right.
She spent her childhood in Louisiana picking cotton. LOTS OF COTTON. That's what everybody on my dad’s side of the family did up until my dad, the oldest of three, was born. He was the first of the new generation, and the first born here in Houston. There were better opportunities for my grandparents, and therefore my dad. She would tell me about how they would do nothing all day but pick. It was hard work, and it built a sturdy woman. As she lay in her bed, I looked down at her, and my gaze stopped at her belly. I pondered how the life that came from that belly, after many years, and with no consideration on her part, led to my life. It's so weird to watch friends now getting pregnant and having babies, when I think about how it's all so circular. Each generation discovers it, and takes it as their own, not thinking on all those before them that did the exact same thing.
My grandmother ran away with my grandfather. She said he was leaving, her dad forbade her to, but she packed up and left anyway. GUTSY, I know! lol. My grandpa eventually sent a letter of apology and explanation to my greatgrandad, but I don't think it ever smoothed things over for them. How hilarious it is to ponder on how that young woman in love hopped on a train to Houston, leaving behind literally the entire family and life she knew, just to be with my grandpa! I laugh so hard about this, and realize there is truly nothing new under the sun, expect for the lives people bring into it. It's like an old play that just keeps replacing its cast members, new people, same shenanigans.lol.
She said over and over again how thankful she was, her foot went gangrenous, she was thankful; her leg got amputated; she was thankful; she got diagnosed with stage 4 intestinal cancer; she still praised; she lost her colon and was on a feeding tube for nearly a year; she lifted her hands for every new breath she drew, all the way until she didn't have breath anymore. What a remarkable woman!
Life goes on, people go on, the world goes on, somewhere in the universe a star is dying and we won’t know until hundreds of years from now, nothing has or will change... Except for on this small little isolated island that I occupy, my small insignificant corner of this universe. Here, it will never be the same.

Forget about that

I'm over the whole life is moving to fast junk. I have had a major epiphany. MAJOR. I think too much in terms of the future, and not enough in the present. It's like I'm waiting on some point in my life, where I can be happy and comfortable and feel accomplished, but that point never seems to come. God spoke to me at church last Sunday about this. I had this epiphany about day to day life on Wed, and had been mulling over the in's and out's of it all week. On Sunday the pastor was like "And when will you reach what you want? When you were a child it was all about high school, in high school it was about waiting until you were in college. College had you thinking about grad school, or your first job. Then marraige, then children, when will you have what you want?"
It really makes sense to me. I spend so much time looking to the future, I'm missing my life. It is literally like running a race I'm bound to lose becuase by the time I catch up, it'll be over. It sounds cliché, but you really aren't promised another day. Damon told me about this guy that took his daughter out to teach her to ride a scooter, fell off of it, hit his head, and died. Game over bro. You don't have to be a police officer, firefighter, or soldier to understand the reality of leaving home for work, and not knowing if you'll come back home. I have a supreme sense of this idea, that at any second there could be a car accident, explostion, tornado, flood, elephant on the lose, or any other varied act of God that will call me home. It sucks for most people because it takes a near death experience, or someone close to them dying, for them to figure it out.
So, I decided that I will not live my life in a future that is not guaranteed to me. Am I going to stop planning, hoping, and dreaming? Heck NO! But,I can't let the faceless stranger of tomorrow have more power than the familiar loving countenance of today. If I spend each day really present, really plugged in, and laser focused on what's happening NOW, how different can life be? No more putting off things till tomorrow if I can do them today, and conversly, no more worring about what needs to be done tomorrow, because I have bettter things to focus on immediatly. No more feeling pressure about inadquicies that I hope to change over a broad length of time (weight), if all I need to worry about losing is a pound or a half a pound, how much less overwhelming is that compared to the 20 total? Talk about making an elephant bite sized.
I have really tried hard to mull on this for awhile, and remind myself daily the importance of this epiphany. I love my husband, my job, my dog, my friends, my empty womb...and while these relationships and interactions may change, I'm not intereseted in the when anymore, just okay with riding the ebb and flow that is day to day life here on earth.

Stop this train/ New year, new me!

I've had it stuck in my head now for days! More on that later. SO I've undertaken two new endeavors. I've decided to stop processing my hair and I've decided to join the 365 project. I think the first is pretty self explanatory; I will no longer straighten my hair with chemicals. I've decided to see what my real hair looks like. Very scary stuff considering I haven't seen it since I was 8yrs old and I have definitely never had to STYLE it before! My coworker that sits across from me said it was a terrible idea to grow it "ethnic", (to which I retorted "NATURAL", not ethnic"), because I work in corporate America, and looking too "natural" can prevent me from fitting in the way I'm supposed to. Scary. I don’t think that having to adhere completely to what they think I should be should rule my entire life! Face it, putting lye in my hair (see Fight Club to understand the dangers of such a chemical) once a month to have a straight hair style just because I'm told to, is ridiculous. Also, these people aren't paying me the extra $120 a month to get this done, maybe if I got a stipend.... So, that's what's going on with my hair. Imagine being a 26yr old woman with no idea how to comb her hair, and that's me right now. Sad, I know, but exciting none the less. It might be a quarter life crisis, but I reeeeeealy think it's about time I started figuring out who I am in my eyes, and not just in the eyes of others. I tried looking less in the mirror and more in my eyelids, but that yielded surprisingly few answers ....

So, about 365 project, basically, I have to take a picture of myself everyday for a year. It's surprisingly easy! I'm a narcissist so...lol. I think this will be a lot of fun. My first day was my birthday; I would like to see what 26 had to offer when I look back on it at 27. Also, it's a great way to gain photography skills. Nothing like being forced to take pictures EVERYDAY to really refine your talent! I've looked at other peoples projects on flickr, and have been very inspired. So yeah, really pumped!

I guess I'll discuss stopping this train in the next update, I'm way too long winded for this not to turn into a novel.

Shananaaaa

I've got growing pains. At least I hope it's growth. It seems so overwhelming sometimes, trying to be a better person. I dont mean to society, I meant to me! How do I maintain the lifestyle that I am oh so very envious of. I know God don't like envy, but sometimes, it can be hard to look at someone who seems to have it all together, and not want that for yourself. I think that personal growth is something super important, but how do you know yourself enough to know how to grow? How do I make sure my life isn't just one of imitation. How do I ensure that I am being me, and not just a whole bunch of other people crumily pieced together. You can't try to be like other people, God made us all unique for a reason. Try to be something you're not and you will fail everytime. But I don't want to feel like this is who I am sometimes. Sometimes I want to feel like I am capable of the amazing feats I see my friends perform, and with a little practice, I will be able to obtain that little bit of "growth" that I want.

I don't know, I'm just very meloncholy today after an aweful day at work yesterday. I will need to find my own peace, like I always do, but I wish the growth would come as fast as my acceptance of it not.

Swine Flu,Floods, Work, and other reasons never to leave the house

So I found out that WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE. Well, I knew we were all going to die, just not so soon. Here's a part of the memo Discover released:

"Following is a list of common sense reminders to help keep you, your family and your colleagues healthy:
Keep your hands clean by washing them thoroughly with soap and water or using an alcohol-based hand sanitizer.
Use a tissue when you cough or sneeze.
Try to avoid close contact with sick people. Try not to touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus.
Keep cuts and scrapes clean and covered with a bandage.
Avoid sharing personal items.
Always follow your doctor's orders."

Hmmm, I think I might just follow some of this advice, especially not touching any surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus. First on my no touchy list would have to be the fax, followed by the copier, and then the door I use to get into the office. Anyhow, I hope that the WHO doesn't uprade this outbreak from a 3 to a five. Five being a PANDEMIC!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH If you need me, I will be looting cause I dont want to spend my own money building a stock pile. However, I guess since no one has panicked just yet, it would still be stealing since I'd be the only one looting, which makes it not looting..right? You need a mob for that I think.

Then there was this aweful flooding yesterday and today. My poor neighborhood has had the water come and go twice in one day! Damon brought me to work today, which is good as I dont know about the capabilities of the 1998 Plymouth Breeze to withstand flood waters. Also the son of a beesting would cut on this morning. I need a new battery. I make a habit of not watching the news as all it really reports is the obituaries. I dont need to see how crappy someone else's life is to make me feel better about my own. Don't get me wrong, no matter how bad life is, my husband didn't get gunned down, or my house didn't catch on fire with my baby in it, but I don't need to hear about how that happened to someone else to remind me of that. All that to say, that I haven't been abreast of the flu situation, and I cut on the news for about 5 minutes this morning to make sure the flooding wasn't local so I could call in late. I think I might try to find out somemore about my impending doom today, wish me luck!

I've made a huge mistake

All Arrested Development fans know that one. You ever decide something is one way just to discover that you were completly wrong. Like very, very, very wrong?. My problem is I discovered that, but don't know what to do about it now. It's like that "oh crap" moment you have after you jump off something that was a little higher than you thought. You're already in the air, you didn't realize the severity of the situation till you got there, but there's no way out now. It's too late. And that's how I feel, I've made the realization, but what the crap can I do about it now?
I think the same senario continues to apply. All I can do now is hit the ground, yeah, it'll hurt, but only temporarily. I can get up, dust off, and try again, well, not try again, try not to again... Why does personal growth have to be so awefully painful. Why cant it happen naturally like learning to walk. No one tells a baby that their walking wrong, they know how to do it when the time is right. Oh, to be that lucky. To just magically know not only when the time is right, but what needs to be done at that moment. *sigh*