Things that I'm scared of as well

When I was about 20 or 21 years old I was driving home from work around 12:45 am and this jerkface loser decided that he too wanted to be driving home, only he wanted to be driving home from drinking tons and instead of actually making it home he wanted to slam into me going the wrong way on a one way street. Luckily, I was in a lightweight pick up truck, and jerky mcjerkface was in a Jetta, so the (delightful sounding but not what you think) t-bone totaled the truck, and not me. It was my second car accident in 2 years, and I had only been driving for like 3 years at the time, so I was pretty rattled.

Also, I've never been a careful driver. I'm like not interested in paying attention to the road, obeying speed limits, or any other laws of the road for that matter. You see, I drive a 1998 Plymouth Breeze that bff neighbor has affectionatly coined "The Deathtrap". Why so you ask? Well, only 3 of my doors work, and of those 3, only one is fully functional. Thanks to said door situation, bff neighbor has had to come bust me out of my car because I couldn't get out. I only get AM radio reception and no one can explain why, the driver side door leaks in the rain, a mysterious stain has begun to appear on the back driver's side floorboard (obviously the tell-tale sign of someone having slowly bled out back there) my paseenger mirror has decided that it wants to make it out in the world on its own and has begun to cleave itself from the door; I duct taped it back, but I think it really does have its mind made up to leave as it is now even more hangy than it was before. The kicker is that up until last year the thing had no climate control, so when I went places, I needed to get there PDQ less I die from exposure; heat exhaustion and hypothermia were a constant and real threat for the past 4 years. All of this is what led to my complete unwillingness to put up with "laws" trying to tell how fast to drive, in what lane, which direction, ect., because I had to get where I had to get, and in a hurry if I didn't want to perish before I got there.

These two factors (the reckless driving of others and the reckless driving of myself), have led me to have a fear that I don't think is entirely unfounded:



I'm convinced that I will die in a horrible Micheal Bay inspired car crash and that I won't die in it immediatly, but will most likely have to suffer for sometime before blacking out to the vision of my jawbone sitting on my lap (that really happened btw. Some lady was in a car accident where her jaw got ripped off. She then did what eveyone reasonalble person would do if that happened to them, went on Oprah) . Here is another VERY accurate depiction of what I see in store for me EVERY time I get on the freeway. *warning, this one is gory*



And the scary part is that this DID happen here in Houston earlier this year. This woman was driving  when a load of pipes came undone from an 18 wheeler and crushed her car, it's not clear if this accident was due to her being a woman driver, but its still crazy. It sucks casuse as if I'm not crazy enough as it is, the universe needed to be like "Look! Do you see?! This crap does happen, and not only does it happen, it's going to happen to you...tomorrow...Sucker".  The universe is pretty mean sometimes. Sad face.

Some people may being saying, "Really? What are the odds of that happening?"  The odds of clones ruining my highway commute? Immenent. The odds of massive logs ruining my highway commute? Insanely probable, like as in I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet. Listen, car accidents happen all day everyday; people are stupid and cars are heavy so once you do the math, you see that we come out in the red. And hot, fiery, mangled death doesn't even take multiple cars any more! I mean  HELLO, Toyota's were killing their owners left and right just a few months ago. Who thinks when they get into their car that its going to kill them; unless you drive Christine or possibly Herby, I bet the thought has never crossed your mind, and yet it happens.

In the end, I have to drive to work everday so it's not like I have much of an option for preventing my death by Micheal Bay inspired car accident. And besides, the movies I've seen about public transportation don't make it look like a much better option anyway.

Things I'm scared of (things of which I'm scared if you are a grammar jerk)

I refuse to mention how long it's been since I updated so don't even go looking for it to happen.
I am a fearful person. I think about death and how I'm going to die pretty much constantly, I think it's in my Dino DNA. I can't help picturing all the horrendous things that could happen to me on a daily basis; I can't help but wonder if it's what's kept me alive for so long...So, I've decided to chronicle them here. Why not expose my pathos to daylight and let everyone on the interwebs know how kookoo crazy I am.
Here's the first in what I promise is a long, never-ending, slightly disturbing list of ways I'm convinced I'm gonna die:

 
 
 
 
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I'm convinced that a homeless person is going to push me in front of a bus while I wait at the crosswalk for the light to change. I know that this will happen because: a.There are buses downtown, b. There are homeless people downtown, and c. I walk downtown. If you've ever seen a homeless person, you might be thinking, "Oh, she's crazy, they aren't so bad", but that's because you've never seen a downtown homeless person. This is a different species of homeless person, a breed set apart to ruin lives and murder people via Houston Metro.

Lemme explain by pointing out a few examples. I've had a homeless person pee on the sidewalk in front of me while looking at. WHILE LOOKING AT ME. I've had a homeless person jump in front of me while walking to impede my further movement forward and I nearly slammed into him, which he thought was simply delightful. I've had a homeless person punch me in my arm on lightrail cause I was obviously some six headed monster out to eat his brains while we were traveling light speed through the intestines of the giant worm we were riding in (in which we were riding grammar jerk). You see, these ain't yo stand on the corner and beg for stuff with a sign kind of homeless people. These are "I have no idea what planet I'm on, but what I do know is that all these aliens around me must die cause this is kill or be killed up in this piece" kinda homeless.

Now that you are armed with a clearer vision of what I'm talking about, you can understand why it's inevitable that one will launch me into the street some day just as Metro is driving through a light. I actually don't think the guy to do it will be crazy. I imagine him to be real malicious and angry, and probably just curious. And here I am, standing there with my clean teeth and hair, and something about me strikes him as something he hates, maybe my silver ballet flats, and that's when he decides this girl must DIE. He will then non-chalantly walk up behind me, wait until the timing is juuust right, and shove me hard and fast in the back just in time to tumble me head first into an oncoming Metro bus. Satisfied with his handy work he will them shamble away, content with having ridden the world of those aweful silver shoes.

Why Glee isn't real

Okay, so first of all, I don't get this whole vampire thing. I just read that the most popular baby names for this year are from that Twilight thing. Dracula and Count Chocula I think...

So anywho, Glee, while a PHENOMENAL show, is not real. I was in Show Choir in high school and therefore I am the authority on what an extracurricular singing group is, and is not. Glee, is not.

This is a Glee Club

This is NOT a Glee Club

© 2010 Fox Broadcasting Company

This is a choral director

This is NOT a choral director

© 2010 Fox Broadcasting Company

Okay though for real, high school students that didn't go to a performing arts high school, can not sing while doing backflips. Not possible. My choir couldn't even do a kick ball change while singing, we had to cut out that part of the coreography and just walk back and forth becuase our voice production and projection was so bad.

Also, there were NO attractive people. Seriously, all of us were ugly, all of us. There were no attractive outfits/costumes. We wore a $10 polo with our high schools initials on it, along with whatever kind of pant we had that could be passed as a "jean".

Kinda like this.

















Nothing like this.

And besides, all of the girls would have complained about how their skin tone/hair/personality/religion doesn't mesh well with gold/black/knee length/tulle. Why do you think choir dresses tend to be black and drapey? Equally unflattering on everyone that wears it.



© 2010 Fox Broadcasting Company



Another thing is, there is no way that my school would let Pregnant 16 yr old dance around on a stage in high heels. I don't even think Pregnant 16 yr old was allowed to go to school with regular, non ku kids. She would have to go to specail KU school were they learned about bottles or birth or placentas. Then after summer break she would show back up at regular kids school where everyone would whisper behind her back to the kids that didn't know about her body having a dual occupancy the year before.

And that ubiquitous band! Those kids hold a perpetual jam session that never seems to have trouble keeping up with the new hotness in music, but are also well steeped in the standards that we all know and love, from "Bust a Move" to "Rock and Roll All Night". I seriously need to hire these guys for my wedding.

Finally, and I know we all saw this coming, I have an issue with overly flamboyant out gay kid. There was NO gay kid at my school that was that out. There is no gay kid at ANY high school that is that out. Probably not even at the Gay High School for becoming Gay and being Gay All Over the Place. This kid cries every chance he gets, and enjoys wearing the most thrilling wordrobe since Bubble on AbFab.

There were gay kids at my school, we all knew who they were, they all knew who they were, but we all had the good taste to never discuss it. *hello, toungue in cheek..don't forget the sarcasm!* Then, the day after high school graduation freinds would call friends and say "Oh, I saw Boy with a boy at the mall holding hands!" And everyone would be like, oh, we thought so... I went to the FBLA banquet with one of my most favoritest friends in high school ( who was and is a gay guy), and if he would have showed up in some crazy contraption of an outfit, we both would have been in it deep. I mean seriously, there was a girl at my school who was told that if she showed up to prom in a suit with her girlfriend, she would be hauled off the premises. Nope, high school is definatly NOT about self expression. High school is about finding out who you are, and then learning very quckly how to hide and pretend you're just like everyone else.

We sang to peers who could give a crap less, we sang to old folks at homes and at banks and at malls. I want the episode where these 30 yr olds are subjected to the same things that we did in those days. I want to see them ride in a school bus and arrive at locations smelling of gasoline. I want them to take trips where everyone claims that so and so slept with so and so but everyone knows it's not true. I want them to pay a crap ton of money to go to a competition just to get there and see that everyone is like 6 yrs old and they'd obviosly been mistaken about what they read in the brochure. I want the awkward, AWKWARD hookups that we were forced to witness between pimple face loser and over weight loser this week, and over weight loser and looks like dead fish loser the next.

I guess that would be a reality show though...At any rate, I love Glee, I love watching it, and I will continue to  (if not just to point out the travesties that they are committing).

Why you shouldn't buy designer when you don't know any better, aka: how to make 50% of America hate me in 5 minutes

I have 2 banes to my current fashion existence, which is good because it used to be twenty (see the period in the mid 2000's when I was forced to look at camel toe everyday thanks to the phenom called "gauchos"). I am always in a pull between what I dislike just cause it's too popular, and what I dislike because quite frankly, it sucks.

My 2 banes are things that actually suck, and what makes that suck more is that they are popular. I am utterly disgusted with these two things, and wouldn't go to heaven sad if I never saw them again: Tory Burch anything and Michael Kors accessories.



The biggest thing I dislike applies to both: the obnoxious branding. Why on earth would you walk around with someone's initials all over your clothing that you paid for? This is how I feel about every label with one huge exception:

She has not, will not, and can not do any wrong, so in her case there is no need to EVER NOT want to wear her initials all over me! Lol.

With that said, why would you want to stick something on your body that looks like it was branded with head butting T's or with the lazily placed MK initials that "cleverly" share a line that makes it no longer initials but a logo.

I haven't like Michael Kors since I stopped being five and realized that zebra print is never going to be cool longer than five minutes, and that in the event that it is considered cool at any point in time, it no longer is. Zebra belongs few and far between, heavily dispersed in a sea of other patterns, shapes, and colors. Once you see it too much, it loses its beauty and becomes monochromatic and humdrum. Bleh. That being said, I loved his concept back in Spring 07 or 08 when his RTW (ready to wear) collection featured that beautiful rich pattern in hues of jet black, golden browns, and creamy beiges. Then something went terribly wrong. Then his logo grew by 8 fold and now dangles on the edge of the purse, waiting to swing and hit you hard in your elbow as you walk. At this point, all was lost. I also don't like the fact that he is on project runway because he really has no idea what he's talking about...ever. His collections are meant for the "sporty" fashionista, and these people are turning out haute couture. Why on earth should he ever have a word to say?

Tory, incites my rage in another way all together. It's not that I don't think she knows what she's doing, I think that her clothing line has some potential. It's the fact that people are walking around in ballet flats (which have FINALLY run thier course, leaving people with cankels with no excuse to continue to make this fashion mistake), which come in the most obnoxious of colors, which they INSIST on pairing with either a similarity obnoxious colored shirt, belt, or various other non simple, competing clothing, and then have the audacity to look this awfully while having paid nearly $200.00 for it! Listen, wearing neon green shoes is great, but please do find a nice pair of light wash denim that is close cropped at the ankle and a plain white button down shirt or polo. And if you really must express yourself, try a color opposite on the color wheel. Lime green goes great with bright pink for a reason people!

Anyway, so that's yet another reason for America to hate me. I feel like if you're going to play the fashion game, you have got to know the rules. I hope that these two figure out how to stop the bandwagoning of their aweful products before they go the way of Juicy (which I disliked from the get go, and still do) and that aweful Ed Hardy stuff.

Cut-it-out (uncle Joey style)

I posted this in 2008. Read it again, or for the first time!


Top 10 Phrases to never utter aloud for ANY reason in my proximity:

10. Any lyrics from "I hope you dance"
If I want to sit it out I will, if I want to take crap for granted, I will

9. "Stop and smell the roses"
Why? I perfer something more exoctic, roses = omnipresent reminders of how
someone else has their life so together, they have time to garden...


8. "Every cloud has a silver lining"
SO not true. Crap happens and sometimes you have to learn to cope and deal and move on without something fantastic occuring to snap you out of it.


7. "They'll get theirs in the end"
100% BS. Some people never get theirs. Some people will do evil things to you and not only will they not care, they want ever feel bad about it or have anything momentous occur that Karma sends in retaliation. Try reading "Without Conscience".


6. "Sure they're rich, but are the truely happy?"
YES YES YES YES!!!!! They are unbelievably happy. Not just because they can
afford everything they want, but money doesn't grow on trees for a reason.
Stupid people would waste it, leading to an excess in consumption followed by the over harvesting and erradication of that species of tree... Of course their happy to be rich. When was the last time your hard work payed off and you weren't happy?


5. "Every time a door closes, a window opens"
Get out of that house that's on fire by waiting for the window to open if you
want, but I'm not going to sit around looking for the miricle. You have to take crap sometimes, and it sucks, but there is not always an escape ready to bail you out. You've gotta get yourself out!


4. "God helps those that help themselves"
If you can help yourself what do you need God for? Or are you helping Him
help you? I didnt realize you were so good that you and Jesus sit around
deciding what mircle to work next in your life, with your help of course.


3. "Good things come to those who wait"
Not be be confused with biding your tide, however, what are you waiting
around for? You want it, go get it!

2. "No, really I'm cool with black people, I (fill in the blank)"
Wrong answer. Just because I'm black, why do I care about the rag tag collection of black people you passed in the hall in high school and were "cool" enough with to wave at. I DONT CARE that one was your best friend or your uncle married one or that you lived in the ghetto, which by the way forces me to believe that you think the ghetto is comprised of black people. So what if you feel uncomfortable around me during certain conversations, it's cool. You're not Bill Clinton! I'm cool with that!

1. I'm not sure, give me some time and I'll find something bitter.